Be Vulnerable

A good friend shared with me this great video.

WHOLE-HEARTEDNESS

Basically, this video highlights an important issue everybody has been struggling to eliminate or accept - shame. Initially, I didn't quite get the message the speaker was trying to convey. But, towards the end, she made it crystal-clear. 

Embrace your vulnerability.

You and I are vulnerable. We have our own weaknesses, which we are ashamed of. We're scared how people may see us, even if we don't know what's really going on in their minds. We're often living in such occlusive insecurity we almost never step out of our comfort zone to explore new boundaries and possibilities.

Maybe we're exactly taught and raised that way. To live the stable life. Go to school. Get good grades. Get a babblifying scholarship. Go be someone successful. 'Cause if you don't you're doomed!


Get a stable job. Settle down. Marry someone well-off. Get old. And die in babblifying dignity. And when you're in your deathbed, then you realise you're just another sick person waiting to be shoved into a coffin by some money-hungry funeral director (which by the way is quite a stable job, considering the money they get).


But, I digress.


Being vulnerable is exactly human. We always make mistakes. We always face difficulties. We always get lousy grades, even when we thought we could and would have done better. We always fail at doing certain things. We cannot escape all that. That's just us.


And being vulnerable makes us feel shameful of ourselves. We tend to criticise ourselves for being weak and blame ourselves for not being the strong-willed, idealised person. We feel disgusted whenever we're overcome by our vulnerability. We fail to realise that vulnerability itself is human nature. And from there onwards, we fail to be grateful.

In order to escape from our vulnerabilities, we don't see the positive side of things. We would only focus on the negatives. Like how we always complain about the hardships we have to endure, instead of thanking the people or powers who made your successes possible. We also get annoyed at the pettiest of things and ignore the wonderful bliss of just being alive. Some people can never be happy, simply because they're too caught up in wanting more and more, without appreciating what they already have.


This isn't just a lesson for you, it's for myself too. In secondary school, I have a constant pressure to do well in my exams, 'cause it was something expected of me. That was the vulnerable part of me. 


I remember the night when I went into my parent's room with my pillows and mattress, and I cried there and then. I was under such immense pressure (especially from a classmate) that I broke down. It was nearing SPM trials. I was so afraid of my results (even before I sat for my babblifying exams =.='') that I already felt the embarrassment of not getting the grades that I wanted, or the grades that were expected of me. Right there, I was already ashamed.

Looking back, it was a good thing I cried. It was a great relief letting go of the stress, especially in front of my parents. Maybe we all need to find a way - our OWN way - to overcome this fear of shame. Of course, it's easier said than done. Don't they always are?


And, that reminds me. Ever had one of those moments when you were caught doing something wrong, and your first instinct was to find someone and blame him/her on it? I had countless of those in primary school. 


When I got bad grades, I didn't blame myself first. I'd blame the teachers or the lousy exam papers first. But when I got good grades, I put all the credit to myself. As I grow up, I realised it was me all along. That shame in me for getting lower-than-expected marks and like any little kid seeking to get out of trouble, I JUST had to put the blame on others.


I put the blame on others to shield my vulnerability instead of just accepting it. I chose to find the easy way out when in fact, I shouldn't. What I should have done was accept the fact that I did badly myself and it would have been less shameful just by admitting it. I should have accepted my own weaknesses.

It's that simple.

Stop the blaming. Admit your mistakes. Say sorry. Be humble. And be vulnerable. =)

A Little Trust

It's been a while since I've been here. Whoops. 


But, meh. I guess at one point, you just lose that confidence and drive to keep writing. And, no, I haven't been real busy with my assignments + lab reports + extraclasswork, mainly 'cause I don't really get many of those here, unlike you guys from whateverelsecollegeyouguysareinnow.

HEH.

Okay, enough excuses. =P


Anyway, recent conversations with friends really made me feel good. And appreciated. Over the years, many friends confided in me about things they don't usually tell other people. I don't know which part of me is trustworthy, but I guess they really do trust me.

What these people don't know is that by telling me their 'stuffs' (I wouldn't really classify most of them as secrets, only some =D), makes me feel kinda good. This may sound wrong, but I've always enjoyed most of these moments, even when they cry to me. 


Of course, there were many times when I'd shrug their problems off as minor matters, and told it to my other closest of friends. And, I'd admit, that was stupid. Because, when people trust you, you shouldn't be going around telling other people, even if all your intention was to just get an extra opinion or two.


But then again, I was probably being an asshole, and wanted to feel important. 

Sorry for that.  >.<

Now that I've grown up a lil' more, I figured trust is more than just telling the other person 'stuffs'. And, I think I've matured enough to listen closely and shut the heck up afterwards.


Yeah. I think I'm getting better at this. =D




Thanks for your faith in me though. Although at times, I wasn't really sure if you've told it to the right person. HA HA HA. 




I love being there for my friends. As I would love it for them to be there for me when I'm down. It's funny how seldom I tell MY own 'stuffs' to people, for there's only a handful I can   really have faith in. And to them, I thank you for listening, even if you guys may think I was just spitting out bucket loads of bullshits. 

It's both hard and tiring to keep faking it sometimes. >.<

To those who don't know me, I'm probably the Snobbish Chuah; the one who look and act so unfriendly you get super riled up even just by looking at his retarded face.


To most of you, I may be the Nerdy Chuah; the one who's so boring you wouldn't want to talk so much to. The one you know you'd never really be able to connect to.


To closer friends, I may be the Joker Funny OMG-so-zi-lian Chuah; whose antics may make you feel better when you're having a hard time. The one who'd sometimes even make a fool of himself just so you smile. Also the cute guy who'd come out with crazy stuffs.


And lastly, to my closest of friends, they'd probably know me as the Sensitive Insecure Chuah; who'd have more emo days than a bored yet moody mother pregnant with her 6th child. The one who'll fret over the smallest detail and be irrationally mad at something so trivial they'd regret they knew him so well in the first place. And, they probably hate and love him at the same time.

But, heck. That's what true friends are for, right? ;)

And, I trust them enough. 

Author's note: Do have trust in people; but only to those who deserve it. =D

Farewells. ='/

2011 was an amazing year. I don't even think the cliche, that it was filled with ups and downs, could describe it. I think 2011 has treated me so well, there wasn't any 'downs' that I can particularly think about at this moment. And to think that I'm not especially optimistic a person myself, 2011 was indeed nothing short of exceptional.

 I'm not sure about yours, but mine rocked! =D

It was a year full of new discoveries, new friendships made and new experiences. I don't think I can have any better year being eighteen, ever. (Obviously, you can only be eighteen for a year, but still... XD) =D

~Bubbye 2011~

Anyway, today's basically my last day at home until I set off for college after 1.5 months of pure bliss. And, I've got to bid farewell to my home once more. Sigh. 


I'll have to go back to that darned hostel tomorrow, climbing up flight after flight of stairs daily. No more k-dramas as frequently. No more opening the fridge every couple of hours just to grab a munch of any snack there is available. No more sleeping in an air-conditioned room. No more dump-clothes-into-washing-machine-after-every-bath-session, which by the way is pure torture considering you gotta wash your clothes with only your bare hands.

 SIGH.

And, yeah. You gotta wake up early for classes. No more sleeping late. No more internet till early morning. Gotta sit on that INTEC bus to college every morning, wishing every time before you enter that there're still seats for your poor butt. No more TV. No more comfy sofa. No more comfy bed. No more home-cooked FOOD! (*screams* NOOOOOOOOOO.......) More of Maggie Mee. Off to a place where Chinese food is almost non-existent and cats aplenty. ARGH.  >.<

No sisters to annoy. And worst of all, no PAPA and MAMA Chuah. Only Skype and calls. 


Depressing enough. I should stop. =(


But then again, 2012 is a new year, or perhaps more precisely, the beginning of the end, should the Mayan prophecy come true. We shall see. But until then, I think we should all strive to be happy. To hell with all those resolutions that most of us can't keep. Let's just stay sane and enjoy 2012!! =D




HAPPY NEW YEAR, peeps! 

You: Love; Me: Bullshit

I seriously don't understand.


Okay, I understand that you're a couple. I also understand you're both madly in love with each other, perhaps to the point that you can't live without calling your other half every night to whisper lovey dovey words and smooching out those flying kisses when saying good night at 3 in the morning.


But, eh, HELLO, sister/brother/uncle/auntie/nephew's cousin? Can't you just say those words in private and not on Facebook??? For all you and I know, your relationship might not even last a couple of months. But, if it does last anyway, good for you. If it doesn't, good for you too.


It just seems fake to me that people would post such statuses and tag their other half on Facebook. Just to show how much they're in "love" with each other. Pffffffffffft. 

As if they need the whole FB community to know how good the other half is treating them. If you're really in 'love' like you claim you are, go spend time talking over the phone for as long as you want, I don't mind. Go out for a picnic or something and spend quality time dating. And if you post how much you enjoy spending time with him/her at the picnic, it's fine for me. I'd even wish you guys luck 'cause you guys sound so sweet in the status. 


BUT, not : "I love you so much at the picnic today, baby. I can't wait for the next holidays when you'll bring me there again. I'm so desperate to be close to you every minute of my life. MUACKS!"

AW. MAI. GAD. *takes out pail vomits air*

I know. I know. I'm judging you people. And who am I to judge blablabla...

But, all the "OMG, I love you so much I can't live without you, darling"  blablabla craps. ARGH. Grow up. Or better still. Control yourself and do me a favour.

~And another thing~


Then, there're other people who post all those emo statuses about their failed relationships, like "Oh, how I wish you were still mine", "I wish you're still here with me",  "I wish you all the best with your new gf/bf"  and all the whatever bullcraps really make me wonder if you EVER had ONE bf/gf of your own. You people sound so pathetic pitiful it makes me think hard if all those people you talked about were either imaginary princes/princesses or celebrities who wouldn't even cared if you existed on Earth.


Why pity yourself so much? If you can, go find yourself a new one la. What so difficult? Forget your ex, and move on. 

BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..............,


You still need to announce to the whole world you wish he/she was still there for you. You wished the whole thing had worked out. You can't forget him/her so you post all those statuses hoping a friend would pass your message to your ex who have since un-friended you on FB when you guys broke up.


Why hold on to such painful memories? Chances are, when you find a new one, you wouldn't even care your ex landed himself in the hospital 'cause his gf just found out he cheated on her with another friend's cousin's grandmother so she kicked him in the groin after a few rounds of slapping and boxing the poor guy who turned out to be innocent after all.


Exactly, why so complicated??? If you break up, then break up lah. Apasai mau pikir banyak-banyak lagi? 

ARGH!!!!

I consider myself lucky for not having been in such situations. I've had a crush so bad it did affect me for a while. Then, I realised that I'm just a poor student with little maturity and very much a childish sakai no girl would want to be with. So, I told myself not to have one until I'm emotionally and FINANCIALLY capable of having one.


But then again, if I had let my crush affect me and if I really did confess to her, I might have ended up like the above people. Helplessly drowned in a sea of love...... YUCK.   =.=''


I'm sorry if I'm being a smart-aleck-who-thinks-he-knows-everything or if you think what I wrote here is just harsh. That's just the me in ME who hates keeping his thoughts to himself. If you think otherwise, feel free to leave a comment or two. =)




P.S: This post is NEVER intended to discourage OR condemn people who have gf/bf. If you think you have found the Mr. Right/ Ms. Right or even Mrs. Right, go for it. It's really none of my business kepochi-ing. But, please, I ask you, keep those yucky and emo statuses out of my view. Thank you. Have a nice day night.

It's that time again

It's post SPM again. A few juniors were asking me about college life, undoubtedly raring to have a go at it soon. Thinking back, I was once them, left uncertain, confused and insecure.


Should I enrol in a private college so that I wouldn't be left behind? Should I just wait for a scholarship? What if I can't get one? Should I start looking for a future uni? Should I decide what I really want to do and become in the future? Or I'm just thinking way too much when I'm just supposed to sit back and relax and fool around at least until the results are out?

Dilemma. Sigh.

But then, one thing was for sure. College was going to be my next phase in life. I was left worrying about how college would be like, and I didn't really have seniors that were particularly close to me that I'd bother bothering them with my bothersome questions about college. So, yeah, I'm pretty clueless and the few hints I got about how it'd be like were from my sisters who'd shrug me off after a brief conversation and say, 'Aiya, don't worry so much la! Very 'fan' lar u!' =..='''


As college turned out, it was a new and refreshing experience of sorts. First, you get an orientation week which, depending on your seniors, would either be awesome, or lame. Mine was awesome. Thankfully.

You also get ROOMMATES and HOUSEMATES to share your HOSTEL UNIT with. The very same people you'd need to compete with for the toilet every morning. And after a while, they'd probably be your karaoke mates singing love songs at night. Also, your study groupmates where you guys will most probably end up talking crap and arguing who's the prettiest girl in college instead of studying. And group together in a room at night to gossip, play poker cards or just having a heart-to-heart talk. Yeah, guys do that too. ;) 


Then, you attend LECTURES and get lessons from your LECTURERS. And suddenly, you're thrown into a world where the word TEACHER just doesn't seem so right any more. 'Cause, well, LECTURER sounds classier and catchier, no? 


Then, you start to realise some LECTURERs are extremely dedicated and have that fiery passion in them to teach even at odd-hours, insisting that you should very well consult them whenever in doubt about something, which is a far cry from at school when most TEACHERs just wanna get the whole syllabus over and done with.

Also, you're introduced to CONSULTATION HOURS, during which you're most welcomed to see your lecturer just to clarify things you don't understand in their classes. But then, I didn't really bother to look for them during these HOURS, 'cause er.. I'm very lazy and prefer to discuss them with my friends or just ask the LECTURER directly in class instead. HEH HEH.


Then, you have SLEEPING IN CLASS. In school, the most time you get to spend with a teacher at a time is probably only two periods, which is about an hour or slightly more. But, in college, you're forced to sit down and COPY NOTES (usually at lightning speed) for a full two hours. Imagine drawing diagrams after diagrams of DNA structures and whateverhellreplicationhypothesesweneedtomemorise.


And I suspect most of us work this way: We take a nap whenever our BIO LECTURER's copying notes on the whiteboard and when he's done, then we wake up from our lil' NAP and copy whatever's on the board while he explains the whole process to us. 

I know, despicable me.

Then, you have BREAKS, not RECESS like in school. We often go to the toilets or cafe or just stand outside and catch the morning sun 'cause some classes are just freezing cold. And, when we have empty periods or while waiting for the next lecturer to arrive, we'd probably be on our laptops stalking on Facebook, playing Pokemon, thinking what to eat for lunch+dinner, chitchatting away, making noise searching for online past year papers. *innocent face* 

Pfft. Who am I kidding anyway?

And, when it's finally LUNCH time, you'd be rushing down to avoid the long queue of equally hungry people who'd kill for that biggest piece of fried chicken long queue and buy your food. Then you're forced to face an ugly truth (for me at least) where you realise other students call the CAFE operators KAK and not MAK CIK, a cruel reminder that you're no longer that young to call a lady in their forties MAK CIK. Feeling old.


And of course, you bring home ASSIGNMENTS and HOMEWORK. Homework is usually the same story as in school whereas an Assignment can be very varied. Like how we were asked to choreograph a dance for an English assignment or do Chemistry Power Point presentations. And like in school, you always value English and Ethics class more than the others 'cause they're more fun and less stressful than the core subjects classes which can easily drive you crazy. 

You also have LAB REPORTs to complete after each lab session. And BIO REPORTs, where you pretty much crap the whole introduction part to get to your 3000-word requirement (which depends on your lecturer) and hope that your research for the past week actually paid off. Of course, having seniors' past reports can be VERY helpful too, although I did my first four on my own. I totally deserve a standing ovation for that effort, seriously.


Then, you have SEMESTER BREAKS or MID-SEM BREAKS which you'll love because that'll mean exams are over and you get to go out and have fun, explore KL, then return to that home sweet home of yours. But then, before those, you'd probably have STUDY BREAKs to study for your finals or mid-terms and spend those hours slaving over thick books. And if your study break is a week-long or more, trust me, chances are you'd probably be at home treating it like it's semester break and relaxing your way up til the final couple of days. Been there done that. ;)

Anyway, you've got EXAMS to sit for and to pass, too. And you'd probably be surprised at how unprepared you are, how scary the past year papers are, amazed at the amount of Bio notes that you copied but never read, worried that you'll go blank during exams, rushing to finish the whole syllabus your lecturer has covered and spend every waking hour cursing at yourself for not studying earlier when you should.

Yeah, that basically summed up college life for me at least. I think you'd love the whole experience being on your own and making your own decisions.


But then, college may be a whole different experience for other people. For me, I'm just content living my college life as it is. I may get moody quite often, but I seldom get emo, 'cause I feel life's treating me good. And I always feel lucky, unlike some Facebook friends who can't stop pitying themselves for every single misfortune. And hopefully, this outlook in life will make me happy always.

Why worry so much?